I’ve been reflecting on kindness for a couple weeks – it’s a rare thing to find on the internet especially. Although I’m posting this on the internet, my real aim is to stir up more kindness in the Body of Christ – in our church, in your church.
A few of us have been talking about how so few of us reciprocate kindness. You know what I’m talking about… we invite people over, they never invite us over. We call them, they don’t call us. I believe kindness is a form of mercy and the Bible teaches that we can stop the flow of mercy if we don’t share it ourselves. Kindness that comes to you must quickly flow through you. We kill it when we keep it. It has a short shelf life.
To reciprocate means to return in kind or degree. I’ve been thinking of the reasons we don’t reciprocate kindness. I hope you can add to my list and that you’ll be brutally honest…
1. We are too busy or tired, or we assume they are (Are you giving off a vibe that you are too busy for somebody? Maybe it’s like the pretty girl who never gets asked out on a date. Maybe people are incorrectly assuming your social calendar is already full and so they don’t call you. I struggle with the flip side of this – fatigue – how many more people can I call? Really, I’ve answered 50 emails since my kids left for their two week internship a week ago last Sunday, and yet I haven’t emailed them. If we can’t meet our family commitments, how can we do anything more for others?
2. We are embarrassed to have people in our home – too messy? Or, we don’t have the money.
3. We’ve been hurt or rejected before
4. We possess a sense of entitlement, others are there to bless us.
5. We don’t want to open the door to one who needs more from us than we are willing/able to give.
6. We are unaware of what we have to offer
7. We are irritated by other aspects of those being kind to us.
If you are one who has extended yourself to others and kindness has not been reciprocated back to you, how do you keep from being offended?
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June 25, 2008 at 5:07 am
jthelmsdeep
Recognizing that my ‘acts of kindness’ are not done for reasons of reciprocity or accolade, but simply because I want to reflect the nature and character of my Father. This always keeps me from feeling offended that my kindness has not been reciprocated.
June 25, 2008 at 6:13 am
Pat
Since I have been walking as a “daughter” of the King, He has bestowed great lovingkindness on me. Out of this encounter, I have been filled up and overflow with His lovingkindness. Kindness is not something I do, kindness is product of my relationship with the King. How can such great a kindness be contained and totally absorbed? It can’t, it is life giving and must overflow. His generosity towards me compells me to become likewise. The source of my kindness is quickly evident. If I’m looking for what others will do or act towards me, it is born out of need. If it is given freely and without regard of what’s in it for me, it is of my Father and part of who I am.
Freely you have received, now freely give. If it is generated from Him, there will be no offense. If there’s offense, I need to get a new Source!
June 25, 2008 at 8:57 am
completefaith
ouch…
This one hits home for me.
We are embarrassed to have people in our home – too messy? Or, we don’t have the money.
June 25, 2008 at 9:36 am
Niki
I have a lot of thoughts running through my head right now. Of course I have to agree with my husband on the embarrassed to have people over cause our house is too messy point. But I also find that I relate to point 6 – We are unaware of what we have to offer. I usually think that others don’t really want to spend time with me since I’m not as intellectual as _____ or have as much to offer as ________. (Insert the name of choice)
Interesting enough, I said two days ago I want to invite a family from our church over Sunday afternoon to have lunch with us. I want to do this just because I want to get to know them better and spend time with other believers instead of watching TV or other mindless activity we would come up with to waste our time.
What I learned as I am writing this is, sometimes we are returning kindness in fashion of “pay it forward”. We were invited to friends’ last Sunday for a bonfire and had a great time. Now we are inviting not the same friends but different friends to our home. Maybe the kindness we show provokes others to do the same, but not always in a reciprocating fashion.
Better get cleaning… as I haven’t found the carpet vacuuming itself yet.
June 25, 2008 at 10:27 am
Clint Thomas
Here are two kindness points that I read about right before I opened P. Steve’s. These come from a blog from a church plant in Cheyenne (http://elementinsider.com/2008/06/25/little-duck-3/):
— Become obsessed about “us” not “I”.
— Don’t win for your family, help your family win. (WOW) So many times in pastoring we think since we’re doing kingdom work we’re “winning” for our family. What if we helped our families win first?
The 2nd point can be applied any work… especially from a man’s point of view (meaning our instinct to provide). Even though I’m not even married nor understand what “winning” for family means, it sounds right… could that mean THIS instinct is simply waiting to rise up? cool.
June 25, 2008 at 11:44 am
PC
Steve, You are right on the money here, many of us are not good at reciprocating kindness. How true the “Short shelf life” is. If we’re adding to the list – maybe around #10: Short memory. This can be a problem for many of us – but also a blessing when we forget that we’re mad at someone or forget an offense.
I’m in the camp with previous posters, as far as having the right motives. Kindness is always best when nothing is expected in return. I love random acts of kindness – the kind that can’t be repaid, they express the love of Jesus Christ to people in the most excellent way.
June 25, 2008 at 1:38 pm
Steve Hickey
Good stuff folks! Motives are key. What if we did for others what we do for God – establish a weekly meet up time – we have the first day of the week set aside to come together and worship God as the Bible says. What if the rest of the summer we made sure we had one get together with others – and intentionally making sure we invite at least one different person than we invited the week before.
I have a follow up post in the cooker – lots of “R”s – random kindness (indiscriminate), radical/ridiculous kindness (costly, extreme), rabid (contagious) kindness and real kindness (as opposed to insincere, fake). Stay tuned.
June 25, 2008 at 5:54 pm
Marcee
Niki, completefaith, and others, who are embarrassed to have people over because of a messy house. When I go for a visit and someone fusses because their house is not cleaned, I say, “I came to see you, not your house. The mess doesn’t bother me.” I am the queen of organized messes – paperwork here, paperwork there, I can barely see the top of my desk here! Yet, I know where everything I need is. If I cleaned up this mess, I wouldn’t be able to find anything. My mom cleans before her cleaning ladies come! ha!
Doing things for others makes me feel good and gets my eyes off me. I love random acts of kindness, especially when the person I am doing the kind deed for doesn’t have a clue who did something for them. I often do things at work to surprise my co-workers and don’t let on that I did it. It makes me smile and also makes my co-workers smile. A smile is the best thing I can get back for doing something for someone else! Smile! It’s contageous, and it’s understood in every language!
June 26, 2008 at 7:50 am
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[...] already elaborated on one of five kinds of kindness – 1) Reciprocating Kindness. Here are four more for your [...]
June 26, 2008 at 8:53 am
Teresa
Marcee, LOVE the last 2 lines in your blog! Thank you for your kindness in posting it.
June 26, 2008 at 2:31 pm
Steve Hickey
Marcee – I love your line…. I came to see you, not your house. I’ll use it. And, I agree with Teresa about your smile comments. In my post on kindness today I suggested eye contact was a key to real kindness. What you say about the importance of a smile makes me wish I mentioned it too. Thanks!
June 26, 2008 at 4:29 pm
Marcee
Blessings, Pastor Steve, Teresa and everyone else. Yes, eye contact is good. It bothers me when people I talk to don’t look me in the eye. Sometimes people look away, turn away, or look around at other people when we talk. That is a huge distraction and makes me feel like they either don’t want to talk to me or feel that what I have to say is not important. I like to give people full attention while talking. I have one co-worker, who will give you his complete attention, when he talks to people. He will stop working to do it. I really appreciate that. Most people keep working while we talk at work. That’s another story. Standing around talking, when there’s work to do might make the boss come shake her finger at you. ha!
haha! I heard a program on a Christian radio station about getting organized today. After I posted here last night, I cleared some clutter off of my desk and evey swept some dust away with my angel duster. It felt kinda good to have an open spot on my desk! Maybe I’ll clean my entire desk off by this weekend and get motivated to go through some closets! Is it too late to start Spring cleaning?
June 27, 2008 at 4:28 pm
Kristi
Sometimes I do obsess a little about the house and serving the right food, but as an extrovert, I just love to have people over and to get to know them better. I haven’t been as systematic about it lately and want to get better. It’s sometimes hard to keep doing it when it’s not reciprocated but I know it’s something that honors God and pleases Him.